For as long as I could remember, I never really cared about what others thought.  When I was growing up, my sisters would say, “I can see your bra straps, they’re sticking out.”  I’d say, “I don’t care, who cares anyway?”.  I guess I was ahead of my time, because now, people are practically wearing bras as tops and some guys have their pants falling off and all you see are their boxers.  I’m sure the boxer brands love this - advertising like they’ve never had before in history.  But I digress.  

You’re probably thinking, why didn’t you care?  I never really thought about it before.  I mean, I cared about things.  I cared about my grades because my long-term goal from a very young age was to get a full scholarship to university and a corporate job that would pay me well.  I cared about making money.  I cared about going on as many fun experiences as I could.  So yes, I cared.  I just didn’t care about what people thought.  And now that I think about it and analyze it, I realize there are 5 main reasons why I never cared about what people thought.  I’ll share these with you and in the end, I hope that you’ll agree, it’s best that you stop caring about what people think too.

1. SELF CONFIDENCE

I have always been very self confident.  It could be because I always got top grades in school and learning came to me easily, I didn’t have to work as hard as others.  This added to my “self-worth” from a very young age.  Also, I was fairly athletic, as in, I could pick up any sport and play well.  I entered different contests and occasionally won which boosted my self confidence further.  As cheesy as this sounds, I also read my report cards when I was in elementary school  and saw all the good things my teachers said about me.  They used words like “conscientious” and “hard worker” to describe me. This made me feel good about myself and pushed me to be more of these things.

"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." - Unknown

My point is, if you are confident, you believe in yourself.  You know your worth.  You think well of yourself.  You will not easily allow another person to change this view of yourself.  If you want to stop caring about what people think of you, start thinking well of yourself and find ways to boost your self confidence and feel good about yourself.  

• Recognize what you are good at (e.g. fixing things; trivia questions; etc.)

• List for yourself all the things you’ve accomplished, no matter how small.  (e.g. earning enough money to pay for your own _______; being brave enough to stick your neck out for something you believe in; etc.)

• Find things you love about yourself.  (e.g. your smile; how you can always make others feel better; etc.)

Also remember, being self confident doesn’t mean bragging or thinking that you are better than everyone else.  Even though I always got some of the highest grades in my classes throughout grade school, while everyone else was going around checking what grade everyone else got and bragging if they did well, I didn’t engage.  For me, my good grades were for me, not for anyone else.  They confirmed for me that I was smart, hard working and could do well.

2. KEEP YOUR POWER

It’s always been important to me to be strong and powerful so the thought of giving away my power to someone else was never an option.  My thinking has always been like this, “Why should I care what that person thinks about how I look, how smart I am, whether I am good at x, y or z.”  If I did care, I’d be giving them the power to make me feel bad if they disapproved or to only feel good if they approved.  Why would I give anyone that power.  I want to decide to feel good always.

 In today’s world, many of us care too much about what others think.  We care about how many likes we get on our latest facebook or instagram posts.  We care about how many compliments we get on that new outfit or that new car.  It’s great when we get the approval we seek, but when we don’t, then how do we feel?  Do we feel dejected, hurt, sad, worthless?  There have been studies associated with rejection having a moderate to strong association with depressive symptoms.  Don’t depress yourself - stop caring what others think! Some people even “feel enslaved” to social media to the point where they are obsessed with posting content in order to get that dopamine hit from  the “likes”.

My point is, keep your power.  Understand that as soon as you care about what others think, you give away some of your power.  And the more power you give away, the more you are at the mercy of others as to how you feel and how much energy you have because feeling bad is a HUGE energy drain.

3. PERFORMANCE BABY!

Have you ever been in a situation where you’re trying to do something challenging and you end up screwing up because this person you have a crush on is watching you?  You might have done the thing a few hundred times before successfully but now all of a sudden, you’re an epic fail because someone you really care about is watching you!  It’s all about performance baby.  When you care too much about what others think of you, you’ll never be able to perform at your best.  Rather than focusing on what you are doing, you are focused on what they are thinking.

An example is when you’re at work and you need to do a presentation in front of some very important people, like the President or VP’s.  If you’re wondering the whole time about how they are evaluating you or worse yet, how everyone else in the room is evaluating you, do you really think you’ll have your strongest presence, be your most charismatic self or even remember your presentation?  

My point here is, focus on you.  As soon as we begin to focus on others, our performance deteriorates.  Why?  Because doubts creep in.  Negative thoughts begin to materialize.  And our attention is not laser focused on what we are doing.  For an athlete like a runner or a swimmer where a few seconds make a difference, this focus on oneself vs the competition can translate into the difference between a gold and a silver medal.  For the rest of us, the focus can mean the difference between getting a job or not; getting elected to a position or not; making a compelling argument or not.

4. SEIZE OPPORTUNITIES, DON’T MISS THEM

Sometimes I watch my daughter lose opportunities to participate in games with other kids, try a new amusement park ride or even take lessons for an activity she loves such as dancing.  My son on the other hand, almost always takes every opportunity he gets.  So what’s the biggest difference?  

Now, I haven’t run studies, but through observations and conversations, I have learned that my son is practically oblivious to what others think of him.  My daughter on the other hand, is always concerned about what others may think.  She often doesn’t volunteer her thoughts or opinions, especially in a group setting.  She will refrain from doing something and say “They might think this.”  or “I don’t want to be embarrassed.”  They both grew up in the same household and we’ve tried to instill in them the same beliefs and values but yet there is a stark difference in how much they care about what others think. 

When I was growing up, I was very much like my son and one of my sisters was like my daughter.  I seized every opportunity that came my way from the time I was in grade school.  I was offered the role of the narrator in our school play in grade 3 - of course I took it.  If everyone was going to karaoke, I’d go too despite being told by my entire family that I was a horrible singer and probably tone deaf.  They weren’t being mean - I probably am tone deaf!  My sister definitely didn’t join us.  As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve heard her sing to this day. If we had a party, I’d be out there chatting with everyone while my sister mostly blended in with the environment.  

The issue is, when you are self-conscious and are concerned with what others think, you miss out on all kinds of opportunities - to do things, to meet people, to learn things and just to have experiences.  I went sky-diving, white water-rafting, traveled the world, joined a million different clubs, participated in every sport offered to me, met amazing people from all walks of life, volunteered and on and on.  My sister’s list of experiences were very limited.  

How many times have you bitten your tongue and not said what you truly felt for fear of what others might think? How many times did you want to go to that dance or sing at that karaoke bar or join the brave souls who went skinny dipping but didn’t? How many times have you not taken a risk or pursued your passions for fear of ridicule or failure?

My point is, make a conscious decision to care less about what others think and seize those opportunities without fear.  In the end, you’ll live more and find, surprisingly, that you lose very little.  Anyone who judges you, criticizes you or thinks poorly of you probably shouldn’t be in your life to begin with.  The great news is that my daughter is beginning to care less and less about what others think.  She wears the same pair of jogging pants to the park every time because she claims they are the best ones for climbing trees.  We often ask her if she’d like to wear other ones that are not so scruffy but she replies, “I don’t care what other people think.”  

5. BE YOU

Imagine  if everyday before you left your house, you had to put on a heavy, uncomfortable costume and alter your personality into someone completely different.  How suffocating would that be?  How happy would you be?  Perhaps you’d have to watch your every move for fear that someone would find the real you.  Some people actually live this way.  They care so much about what others think of them that instead of giving themselves the freedom to be who they truly are, they carefully craft a persona and pretend to be what they believe others will “accept”.    This is not only draining on the mind, body and soul, but in the end you may even lose yourself so completely that you even forget who you really are.  

Anyone who knows me also knows that I have very strong opinions.  At the same time, I’m also very blunt.  I can tell you from experience that this combination is not pleasant for those who are highly sensitive.  But I also know that my closest friends understand and accept this about me, just as I accept things about them that perhaps others would not.  It doesn’t bother me if I’m speaking passionately (in other words - very loudly) in a public place about something and everyone can hear me.  I also don’t mind being the only person out of a group to have a completely different opinion, in fact, I will provide arguments to sway others to my side!  My point is, I don’t want to live in a cage.  I want to speak my mind and be my authentic self and if that isn’t good enough for someone, then I know that that person is not a good “fit” in my life.

A fantastic book on this is “Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown.  It’s about letting go of who you think you're supposed to be and embracing who you are.

If you can’t be yourself, then is your life real?  Are your friends real?  Do you even have a life?  The greatest gift we can give to ourselves and the only way we can love others is to embrace ourselves completely.  Be true to you, love you, and live you.